Cafe Madrid

Terrifying

2010-09-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

It's terrifying to be this upbeat and happy and pleasant. It's worse than being observed through a microscope. At the end of the day, you think and ponder as to the reason for such an attitude.

I do it because I don't like the alternative.

Majesty

2010-07-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

No need to curtsy
no need for frivolous greetings
just come on over
for a kiss
on my lips

Eternal Now.

2009-12-23T05:26:00.000-08:00

It pains me to think that I have to spend the rest of my life making up for a mistake I made.

Yes, I hurt you. Yes, I hurt everyone dear to me.

And I'm sorry.

You don't have to punish me forever for it.

Pity

2009-12-10T01:28:00.001-08:00

It's pathetic that her relationships are all virtual. Make believe men who call her pet names that make her blush. Words on screen, typed to make her feel like she's worth something. And she knows it's not real and she knows they're just that - cheap words that are either half meant or just a usual or expected response to a stimulus.

But she believes them. She believes they're really true and they're meant for her, just for her. Because she knows, that's the closest she'll ever get to love. So, she craves for it. She spends a lot of money to just catch a glimpse of any activity; to see if he's thought of her or mentioned her.

And she feels even more pathetic when she begs for the attention, the fake affection and the polite responses.

She's reduced to this. She's reduced to being a scavenger for scraps that aren't even real.

But she'll take what she can get. She'll take whatever she can because really, there's nothing left for her. There's nobody left to offer her anything.

No one bothers with worthless things.

Unfashionable Desperation

2009-08-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

All this pain

All this hurt

All these tears

I just want someone to blame

I want someone to take the responsibility

And say “I did that to her”

But there’s nobody to blame

So I punish myself instead

I want to fall into madness

And welcome it like a lover

But I can’t even

Be strong for that.

I’m alone

And lonely

And afraid

And helpless

And hopeless

And nobody knows

I’ve become so good

In showing people

What they want to see;

What I know they can

And want to handle

That I’ve forgotten

How to ask for help

For myself

I’m tired

But I can’t rest.

Everyone wants a piece of me

That they just want to throw away

Or ignore

Or sell out.

I have nothing left for myself

So what’s there to give?

I’m too angry to be panicked

Too frightened to be in rage

Too blind to stop fighting

Too confused to be sane

I want to know what surrender tastes like

I want to hear

That I am loved

Truly loved

Without me

Having to say it first

Or having to ask for it

Or even beg for it.

There’s nothing

Fashionable

About wearing desperation

On your sleeve.

I wish I could forget

About before

About all

The things I’ve done wrong

And just remember

What I’ve done right.

You'll learn...eventually

2009-07-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

You collect love
and kisses
the way
I collect
my dignity and
broken heart
on the floor.

I sift through
all the things
left undone
and all the
words left
unsaid
and find myself
coming back
for a little
bit more.

Maybe if I
carry your
burdens and
battle your
demons for you
you'll learn
to love me
too.

No reciprocity

2009-07-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

I lust after the God you worship. I want to believe in him the same way you believe that He will give you the signs on what to do and who to love. I want to believe in the miracles you orgasm over. I want to feel the bliss you work so very hard for and earn with acts of random kindness.

But I offer no positive reciprocity. No enthusiasm on your interpretation of the good book.

I just politely nod and smile.

Bruise

2009-07-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

You're my most cruel obsession

You'll pull me in just to shove me away
making sure
I bruise somehow
every time.

Uncertainty is
the most evil
quality of our love.
That,
and the fact
that this is one sided.
Unrequited.

I'm still here though
just waiting
for the next punishment;
for any sight of you
affection, a sliver
of your love;
a splinter of care.

Anything from you
is better than nothing;
better than loneliness.

Not now

2009-07-03T07:16:00.000-07:00

"I'm not pretty" she says.

He kisses her instead. He wants to tell her how pretty she is but she'll never believe him. Especially now.

Unbearable

2009-07-03T01:30:00.001-07:00

I don't know what's more unbearable: That you're too faraway from me or that you're here, just there where I can reach you, touch you but I'm not allowed to.

First Move

2009-06-06T06:09:00.000-07:00

The first time you do it is a mistake. A miscalculation, a lapse in judgment, a moment of weakness - shameful, needy, weak and regrettably unforgettable. Third time you do it, it's a habit. A constance, a behavior, an addiction, a craving - a sin. The second time you do it bridges the expanse and the infinitesimal gap.

The second time has intent. It's premeditated. It's planned and thought through. It has courage and bravery. It has a First Move.

So, here's my First Move:

I miss you. There I've said it.

I think I might be in love with you. I've said it for the both of us so you don't need to take the burden. Be happy to know that your ego and pride are unbruised.

Whoever said that the person to make the first move is the weak one does not know shit about anything. It takes a lot of courage, strength and guts to make the first move.

Your turn...

As if it were

2009-05-20T16:24:00.000-07:00

He looks at her as if she were something he could get to keep.

She looks at him and can't wait to get far away as possible.

People really do have different perspectives in life.

Fool.

2009-04-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Love can sometimes be magic.

But magic is just an illusion.

Something broken

2009-02-20T04:51:00.000-08:00

Something broken finds its way back together again inside her when he said "It's an open invitation. No expiration date. I just miss you so much. You're everything I know I want."

Talking hands

2009-02-12T15:46:00.000-08:00

A couple sat across her, signing their entire conversation. She averts her eyes and blushes. She feels like she's eavesdropping.

***

Sign language is so graceful, so polite. There's no probability of talking over each other unless you swat the hands away. And all you have to do to ignore the other person is to just close your eyes.

worse than death

2009-02-10T08:25:00.000-08:00

For whatever dies between a man and a woman is greater than any single death.

Why does it matter?

2009-01-25T05:51:00.000-08:00

"Why does my approval matter so much to you? You know you don't need it to do what you want."

She pursed her lips and scowled at him like he was bequeathed the answer to the meaning of life and blew his nose in it. "Because it's yours. That's all that matters."

Ain't Love Grand?

2009-01-23T20:08:00.001-08:00

"She'll only break your heart, it's a fact. And even though I warn you, even though I guarantee you that the girl will only hurt you terribly, you'll still pursue her. Ain't love grand?"

- Nora Digger Dinsmoor, Great Expectations

No Choice

2009-01-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

Of all the things you could've insisted on...

Of all the things you could've asked me for...

I wish you hadn't asked me to let you go.

Taste

2008-11-06T03:59:00.000-08:00

I've always wondered what your goodbyes would taste like.

Your face so close to mine - where I can't see your imperfections but I could taste them.

They're made that way

2008-11-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

He did promise me that. He said "Is that all you want?" I said "Yes." He said "I promise"

Does he still think about me? I'll settle for a glimpse, a rush, a flush even a feeling. I told him he'll think of me and try so hard to even remember what color my eyes were. I'll be just some girl and he'll speak of me in terms of sexual conquests and condom preferences.

Promises are made to be broken anyway.

Give and Take

2008-10-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

Your love's measured in years and what you're willing to give.

My heart counts the bruises I let you inflict on it. My love's measured in pain and what I'm willing to take.

Yet, we go on.

As time goes, we come to realize that you usually hurt me less and I love you more.

Stay

2008-10-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

"Just a little while longer, please?" She was begging. She never begs. Must be that desperate. She feels like an alcoholic, begging for one last drop of bourbon. She looks like it too.

"Why do you want to stay?" He asks, as if he didn't know the answer

"Because it's better here than out there. Because illusions are more comforting than reality. Because no matter how badly I fuck up in here, it can't be worse than when I do something right out there."

He looks at here with a cocked brow. She hangs her head "Because you love me here."

Fear

2008-09-02T03:20:00.000-07:00

Everything we are, all that we have become, could be destroyed at any moment, and we would exist only in its shards. Broken we have both been before; cracked, flawed we would remain, but I know the map of these fissures. I understand the creased and splintered nature of this terrain and for a brief instant I want to stay where I am, to savor the comfort of the known. It isn't enough, but it is something.

I want to hold you in my arms and pull you firmly to me, to show you, prove to you this path was meant to be. I want to give you not a present, but a future, as inevitable as every choice from our past.

Words are useless as reality presses against me, drawing me in, perhaps for what is only the second time in my life. Somehow, what I've imagined, what in my brain seems the right way, does not fit this space in time. Every choice leads us to where we're supposed to go and I make mine, believing even this small, insignificant choice is part of the path our feet find together.

Closure

2008-08-22T04:33:00.000-07:00

A jaded yet smart fellow recently posed a question: Why the need for closure?

I used to think about it as well. It was something I thought I needed and I obsessed about it needlessly. I wanted it and craved for it. I thought the world owed me that, at least.

I made my own closure. I decided that if the universe wasn't giving me my closure, I'll make my own. After all, I have prided myself with the fact that I have never depended on anyone before. I am arrogant like that.

In my head, there were no dramatic upswell of emotions and/or music. In my head, you showed no remorse. In my head, you never even acknowledged me or the feelings I went through, like a pendulum, from one extreme to another. So, in my head, I slit your throat in front of a mirror, licked the imaginary tears on your cheeks and kissed you one last time, stealing your last breath. In my head, that last kiss - your last breath - was your soul that I took to replace my broken one. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and a soul for a soul.

It's been over 18 months since I did that.

Let me tell you, life couldn't have been better.

Clarity

2008-05-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

Life is funny, the way it pivots on invisible hinges. We take note of the obvious moments: marriages, births, deaths, but we seem to almost ignore the moments that mark us forever, that change the path we travel, that alter our very personalities. It is only later that we turn around, we look back with the perfect clarity that hindsight allows, and we say to ourselves, "Oh, so that's when it happened."

Plan C

2008-05-18T15:24:00.000-07:00

"What you missed is a wonderful opportunity that you will never again get from me or anyone else. You treat me like a fragile glass ikon and then almost immediately, brush me off like yesterday's table crumbs. For once in your miserable inexperienced life, you can be honest enough to admit that what you did was pathetic and amateurish. I'm through with you and I'm through being in your control."

She then stood up and left him standing there like an idiot who didn't know what had happened.

I like that woman. I should get tips from her.

Unheard Music.

2008-02-04T15:58:00.000-08:00

"Don't you hear it," she asked and I shook my head no. She then started to dance and suddenly there was music everywhere. It went on for a very long time and when I finally found words, all I could say was thank you.

Lost

2007-09-11T06:20:00.000-07:00

She knocked
a little bit harder
and with a sense
of urgency
on his hotel room door.

He knew she would come
if not hysterical,
nervous or
just like right now
intoxicated.

She accuses him
of things they
already know
but never talk
about

The elephant
in the fucking room
finally gets
recognized.

Tonight,
she just wants to be loved
and he
just wants to finally
love her.

In between

2007-08-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

I've seen better days
days when I've stayed
in just one emotion
and wanted just one need

These days
I swing from a rope
that has one end tied
to the beam of my
bedroom ceiling
and the other
tightly wrapped
around my neck.

It's going to be
another cold
from a virus that
has mutated.
Another burnt
steak from another
restaurant
that seems to be
more pathetic
than the last.

I'm in between days
and in between hard things.

2007-07-30T19:54:00.000-07:00

Fiera
she's been named that
it means fire, in Spanish
I think.
She lost her virginity
at an age
where we were
all involved with dolls
and toys
not penises.

Now, Fiera only makes love
has sex with
fucks only
young men
young enough
to be called boys
She says
they are sensitive enough
to know
what she wants.

She wants men to cry
cry when they make love
have sex with
fucks her.
Fiera knows
only boys cry
men never
or will never
openly do so.

***

It was the mangoes
of her breasts
that lured him in.
Tangy and sweet,
that's what he thought it would be
so delectable.

The cinnamon scent
her skin gave off
was ambrosia.
No man could resist
and no man would
want to - resist
that is.

Her eyes were chocolate
deep and dark.
You can never tell what she's
thinking of.
Curtains cover
the windows to her soul.

Lips of red wine,
a mouth like a rose,
legs that felt like
soft, silk souffles

All they wanted to do
was to
eat her up.

Everything.

2007-06-27T05:21:00.000-07:00

"Everything's conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."

-- Son of Coma Guy, House, MD(Season 3)

What do you want?

2007-06-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

Mister Linderman asked Nathan Petrelli if he wanted a life of happiness or a life of meaning. Nathan wanted both.

You can't have both.

To live a life of happiness you must live in the present - in the here and now. No obsessions and no thinking about either the past or the future.

A life of meaning requires you to think all the time, to contemplate on previous actions and transgressions. To regret and to plot. To know pain and sorrow.

What do you want?

Random poetry

2007-06-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

I want to write love on your skin.
I want to cover your body
with words the way
clothes do.

I want to write
poetries on your belly,
trace the letter Y
in script
around your belly button.

I want to stain your legs
with indigo ink,
forming words that profess
my feelings.

I want your body to carry
the story of how we met-
the awkward silences,
the lovestruck stares,
the laughter
and the resignation
in realizing
we're stuck with each other
and it isn't all that bad.

I want to look at your fingers,
toes and knees
and know
just how much I love you.

Minsan

2007-05-06T19:16:00.000-07:00

Minsan di ko na alam kung kaya ko pa eh. Dapat kayanin ko, wala akong choice.

I'm tired, to tell you the truth. I find myself bursting into tears for the most mundane reason. Parang ang hirap hirap matawa ngayon. You try to see the positive in something pero parang wala eh. Meaningless yung positive kasi alam mong justification lang yun sa shitty situation that you're in.

One day at a time daw dapat. Puede bang mag half day dun? O kaya VL or SL.

Gago.

2007-04-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

Sinong matalino ang nagpangalan sa araw na pinatay si Kristo na "Good Friday"? - JR

The question

2007-03-20T01:10:00.001-07:00

The question is not "can you live with him?" but rather, "can you live without?"

Sabado.

2007-03-19T03:37:00.001-07:00

Saturday nights use to hold the promise of so much more than just Sunday mornings.

A postcard

2007-01-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

Once I got out of the washroom, the group had already left. Cleaning their table, I saw JR left this postcard.

Now, I have telepathy!

2007-01-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those moments when you think you can hear someone else's thoughts? I think I'm having one now. I can hear LJ's thoughts.

Being gay nowadays is such a bore, especially in the Philippines. Even in early history, there was no indifference - it was never talked about openly, but there was no indifference. Of course, you'll never find beauty salons (it's never a parlor, it's always a salon) peppering the streets of old Manila, but you know there were those na "verde ang dugo", especially in the seminaries and churches.

I bet, that Padre Damaso fantasized about the big JC. Kunyari pang minolestya si Maria Clara. Sa totoo lang, I think he made Maria Clara insane so he can have Ibarra all to himself. That bitch is brilliant!

Contrary to popular belief, not all gays fantasize about a straight man coming into their lives (and I use the word 'coming' loosely. hihihi) to rescue them. Some of us want to be with other gay men. After all, hindi ba ito din ang drama ng mga tivoli? A man knows how to please another man - same thing with a lezzie.

*Sigh* Alas, I am not one of those liberated faggies. I think I want a straight man in my life.

JR in particular.

***

What the F***??!!

I did not just hear that!!

***

Waiter runs off to the washroom to re-enact the shower scene from the movie "The Crying Game".

Telenovela.

2007-01-07T20:24:00.000-08:00

The couple at the next table was officially breaking up. He leaned away from the table, tipped his chair on its back legs and balanced carefully. His eyes glanced over the girl that he no longer cared for that way, over her shoulder, past her body entirely and rested on the ass of the waitress behind her. "Are you even listening to me?" the soon to be ex-girlfriend asked him emphatically. "No," he said. "I don't really have to listen to you anymore." I love this coffee place.. its like watching TV.

And they come in...

2007-01-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

Two of the regulars come in. JR and Fonzy.

Great. It's either bitching or hot air coming out from their mouths.

Like every other great idiot, I listen in.

Fonzy: Bakit ba tayo dito tatambay? Kung yosi at kape kape din lang, eh di sana sa Starbucks na lang tayo.

JR: Sawa na ako sa starbucks. Besides, I already have my planner.

Two more members of their group come in. LJ and Mr. Suave.

LJ: Well, I'm on my third planner na.

Mr. Suave: Bakit kasi mahilig kayo sa starbucks. Di niyo ba alam na ang Starbucks ay nagpapalago ng mga layunin ng mga kapitalistang Americano? Paano na lang ang mga Pilipinong magsasaka ng kape?

LJ: Naku Mr. Suave, ABS bitter herbs ka lang kasi di mo pa makuha kuha ang planner mo kasi di mo keri ang starbucks. Purita Magbanua ka kasi.

Mr. Suave: Eh sabihin ko kaya sa tatay mo na bakla ka, ha LJ?

Oi-vey.