It's terrifying to be this upbeat and happy and pleasant. It's worse than being observed through a microscope. At the end of the day, you think and ponder as to the reason for such an attitude.
I do it because I don't like the alternative.
I lust after the God you worship. I want to believe in him the same way you believe that He will give you the signs on what to do and who to love. I want to believe in the miracles you orgasm over. I want to feel the bliss you work so very hard for and earn with acts of random kindness.
But I offer no positive reciprocity. No enthusiasm on your interpretation of the good book.
I just politely nod and smile.
The first time you do it is a mistake. A miscalculation, a lapse in judgment, a moment of weakness - shameful, needy, weak and regrettably unforgettable. Third time you do it, it's a habit. A constance, a behavior, an addiction, a craving - a sin. The second time you do it bridges the expanse and the infinitesimal gap.
The second time has intent. It's premeditated. It's planned and thought through. It has courage and bravery. It has a First Move.
So, here's my First Move:
I miss you. There I've said it.
I think I might be in love with you. I've said it for the both of us so you don't need to take the burden. Be happy to know that your ego and pride are unbruised.
Whoever said that the person to make the first move is the weak one does not know shit about anything. It takes a lot of courage, strength and guts to make the first move.
Your turn...
Of all the things you could've insisted on...
Of all the things you could've asked me for...
I wish you hadn't asked me to let you go.
A jaded yet smart fellow recently posed a question: Why the need for closure?
I used to think about it as well. It was something I thought I needed and I obsessed about it needlessly. I wanted it and craved for it. I thought the world owed me that, at least.
I made my own closure. I decided that if the universe wasn't giving me my closure, I'll make my own. After all, I have prided myself with the fact that I have never depended on anyone before. I am arrogant like that.
In my head, there were no dramatic upswell of emotions and/or music. In my head, you showed no remorse. In my head, you never even acknowledged me or the feelings I went through, like a pendulum, from one extreme to another. So, in my head, I slit your throat in front of a mirror, licked the imaginary tears on your cheeks and kissed you one last time, stealing your last breath. In my head, that last kiss - your last breath - was your soul that I took to replace my broken one. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and a soul for a soul.
It's been over 18 months since I did that.
Let me tell you, life couldn't have been better.
Minsan di ko na alam kung kaya ko pa eh. Dapat kayanin ko, wala akong choice.
I'm tired, to tell you the truth. I find myself bursting into tears for the most mundane reason. Parang ang hirap hirap matawa ngayon. You try to see the positive in something pero parang wala eh. Meaningless yung positive kasi alam mong justification lang yun sa shitty situation that you're in.
One day at a time daw dapat. Puede bang mag half day dun? O kaya VL or SL.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you think you can hear someone else's thoughts? I think I'm having one now. I can hear LJ's thoughts.
Being gay nowadays is such a bore, especially in the Philippines. Even in early history, there was no indifference - it was never talked about openly, but there was no indifference. Of course, you'll never find beauty salons (it's never a parlor, it's always a salon) peppering the streets of old Manila, but you know there were those na "verde ang dugo", especially in the seminaries and churches.
I bet, that Padre Damaso fantasized about the big JC. Kunyari pang minolestya si Maria Clara. Sa totoo lang, I think he made Maria Clara insane so he can have Ibarra all to himself. That bitch is brilliant!
Contrary to popular belief, not all gays fantasize about a straight man coming into their lives (and I use the word 'coming' loosely. hihihi) to rescue them. Some of us want to be with other gay men. After all, hindi ba ito din ang drama ng mga tivoli? A man knows how to please another man - same thing with a lezzie.
*Sigh* Alas, I am not one of those liberated faggies. I think I want a straight man in my life.
JR in particular.
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What the F***??!!
I did not just hear that!!
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Waiter runs off to the washroom to re-enact the shower scene from the movie "The Crying Game".
