Unfashionable Desperation

All this pain

All this hurt

All these tears

I just want someone to blame

I want someone to take the responsibility

And say “I did that to her”

But there’s nobody to blame

So I punish myself instead

I want to fall into madness

And welcome it like a lover

But I can’t even

Be strong for that.

I’m alone

And lonely

And afraid

And helpless

And hopeless

And nobody knows

I’ve become so good

In showing people

What they want to see;

What I know they can

And want to handle

That I’ve forgotten

How to ask for help

For myself

I’m tired

But I can’t rest.

Everyone wants a piece of me

That they just want to throw away

Or ignore

Or sell out.

I have nothing left for myself

So what’s there to give?

I’m too angry to be panicked

Too frightened to be in rage

Too blind to stop fighting

Too confused to be sane

I want to know what surrender tastes like

I want to hear

That I am loved

Truly loved

Without me

Having to say it first

Or having to ask for it

Or even beg for it.

There’s nothing

Fashionable

About wearing desperation

On your sleeve.

I wish I could forget

About before

About all

The things I’ve done wrong

And just remember

What I’ve done right.